Romantic Sap
by bookworm1805
Summary: Due to some irregular and unfortunate circumstances, Remus is left alone with his peppy inner romanticist, who begins to say some interesting things.


Due to some unfortunate circumstances, the seldom-listened to division of Remus' brain (dubbed Romantic Sap) finally gets a word in about Remus' love life. But will the tragically sleep deprived werewolf listen?

Warning: Contains general insanity and delightful RLSB slash! Don't like it? Pity. You're missing out on a beautiful world of fluff.

Disclaimer: I don't own Remus or Sirius. They're only my temporary manslaves.

-------------------------O.o-------------------------------

_Warning, warning! Vision starting to blur. Crackling fire dimming. Sirius a three-headed beast._

_Alright, that's it_, Logic told Remus. _You need to sleep. _Remus acknowledged this with a slight nod of his head. Well. It was intended as a nod. He didn't mean to throw his head to the side, become unbalanced, and consequently topple over onto Sirius' lap. He let out a little "oof" sound at impact.

Mm. Comfy. Pillow-legs.

_You need to go the dormitory now_, Propriety gasped at Remus. _You can't fall asleep on someone's lap; it's rude_. Remus blinked. Propriety was entirely correct. He couldn't sleep on Sirius.

But then Temptation piped up. _Aw, c'mon Rem_, the silky voice (which sounded uncannily like a certain dark-haired aristocrat) whispered. _Isn't this lap soft? _Remus grumbled. Yes. Yes it was. _Aren't you simply _exhausted_? _Yes. Yes he was. _So what's the problem?_

_Well you should at least ask permission_, Civility intervened. Civility posed a good point. If Remus was going to chuck Logic and Propriety out the window, he should at least honor Civility.

"Sirius," Remus croaked. "Imma sleep here." His words, he was sure, were totally unintelligible. But at least he'd tried. He watched the flames in the hearth as they turned purple-ish. They started to devour the common room, eating Peter.

_No, that can't be right_, Reason chided. _Purple flames? Come now Remus. Those are only produced by when you mix toad legs and blahblahblahblahblahblahblah…_ Reason continued to babble on.

But the near-sleeping boy was, well, too near sleeping to follow Reason's thought process. Reason, feeling thoroughly ignored, became offended and fled to the corner of Remus' brain to sulk.

Alright, so the flames hadn't eaten Peter, Remus remembered. He squinted to see what had become of the boy, eyes weak with exhaustion. He saw a giant lump of black robes, presumably, and two pale blobs, which were probably faces. Parts of the lump would shoot out and melt with another great mass of black-lumpness, like it was attacking itself.

Or maybe there were two lumps? And the lumps were hitting each other? It looked like the bigger lump had the upper hand. Big Lump lunged down and seemed to, in Remus' nonsensically sleep-deprived mind, take a giant bite out of Small Lump.

Big lump was James, he realized. Small Lump was Peter. Remus was struck with an awful thought. Had _James _eaten Peter? _Was _he eating him, right here and now? Oh Merlin! Oh holy Thestral! Someone help! Sirius, why isn't he stopping him? He's attacking Peter! He's throwing him to the ground! He'll bite again!

Remus started to make an odd gurgling sound, which was his attempt at modern English. He could feel his friends looking at him, but their eyes were sort of blurry and black-hole-ish. _Gurgle_, Remus insisted. He tried to point at the brawl Peter and James were engaged in, but it turned out he had less bodily control than he'd presumed.

His arm just jerked up and clunked down heavily on Sirius knees, eliciting a pained grunt from the both of them. "Padfoose…he's eating Peter…" Remus mumbled. He could hear the urgency in his slurred words and could only imagine how he sounded to his more coherent friends.

_Padfoose? Really?_ The Marauder in him scoffed. _Disgraceful_, it muttered before sweeping away, presumably to hide with the rest of his Manners until Remus got some much needed rest.

Sirius finally seemed to catch on. He began to laugh. "Oh, you mean that? Moony, they're only having a tussle. Pete's trying to hone his quiddich skills. Needs to train up. Plus I promised I'd give him five sickles if he beat James."

_Oh_, Comprehension thought as it graced Remus with its presence. _So _that's_ what that was._

"Grrnd," Remus said. It had sounded like "Good" in his head, but obviously he didn't have control over his mouth either.

He watched as he saw James finally throw down Peter for the last time. Sirius would be very put-out, he imagined, but he couldn't really see his face. He could see his ankles. But they weren't nearly as animated as Sirius' face could be.

"Ankles," he muttered blearily. "No face…ankles…"

Above him, Sirius was very confused. Ankles? Moony needed more sleep, he thought emphatically. He only wished Remus could get it in the dorm, in his soft, warm bed. Not on Sirius' bony teenage-boy legs. That couldn't be comfortable. But he wouldn't move Remus. He looked too peaceful. Sirius smiled at Remus as the boy smacked his lips and tried to focus on his friends.

_You're making a fool of yourself_, Common Courtesy and Propriety teamed up to warn Remus. _Sleeping on Sirius' lap! This is so improper we could die trying to explain it._

Yeah well Common Courtesy and Propriety could stuff it, Remus thought defiantly. He liked it here. Never mind the fact that he doubted he could ever sit up again. Ever.

"Pillow," Remus muttered blissfully, nuzzling his head into Sirius' legs.

"Oh," Sirius brightened, "You want a pillow? Sure thing, Moons!" He started to reach over for a pillow. _No! Abort! Abort!_ something in Remus' brain screamed.

"Abort!" Remus exclaimed suddenly and drowsily. He reached his arms out to grab Sirius, one hand grasping the front of his shirt and the other clutching to his legs. "Pillow," Remus repeated, latching onto Sirius in a way that Propriety would've had an aneurysm at, had it not flitted away to the cellar of Remus' brain.

Even so, Remus was sure he felt something explode in his head. Woops. There goes Propriety. What shall he do now, he wondered. Then he saw that James had three eyes and he didn't really care about his destitute mental health anymore.

Sirius shifted under Remus' body. He awkwardly patted his head. "There, there, my little Moony. Sleep. Don't mind James. He's being a nuisance and a git," Sirius said unfairly of the boy who was innocently sitting and chatting with Peter. "And no, he doesn't have three eyes. Don't worry, I thought that too," he continued, randomly becoming a mind reader. "Turns out, that blob is actually a giant knot in his hair." Sirius nodded for emphasis. "I couldn't believe it either. It's a ruddy great knot. I bet there are little critters festering in there, making nests, reproducing, and such."

Remus' gag reflex was triggered immediately. He started feeling queasy.

His stomach started to make its way out his throat, but Remus vehemently pushed it back down. _Oh no you don't!_ Dignity screamed at Retching Stomach. _I will not – I repeat – NOT – let you taint me, Retching Stomach! I will remain perfectly intact! I will not – I repeat – NOT – go off to sulk with Reason and Logic! We never agree on _anything_. So DOWN, bloody digestive organs, DOWN!_

Sure enough, Remus' Retching Stomach slowly eased up and let the stomach down into its proper place. Well. That was impressive. Remus would have to remember to thank Dignity later. Perhaps before Sanity came back from holiday and reminded him that these personified divisions of his brain and self didn't actually exist; they were just figments of his over-active imagination.

Dignity overheard this, became quite indignant, and huffed away to act indignant elsewhere.

Remus felt lonely. He was only down to a few more personas. The Prefect in him remained, but began to scold him. _You have a Prefect Round right now,_ it said. _You should be out patrolling the corridors with Zackary Laine_. Remus scoffed in his dreary state. Like Zackary Laine would be stopping couples from snogging in broom cupboards. He and his girlfriend would hop right over to one and disappear until long after the end of Remus' shift.

No, he told the Prefect. He wasn't missing out on anything. The Prefect flounced away, probably to tell off The Marauder about his influence on Remus and start fighting again.

Oh, how these internal battles boggled the sleep-deprived mind of Remus Lupin.

"Almost vomited on your shoes, Siri," Remus mumbled. "Almost. Shut it." He was improving with his coherency, he thought triumphantly. He was 75% sure that came out the way it had in his head.

Sirius tutted. "Did you say you vomited on my shoes? Or are we referring back to your apparent ankle fetish?"

If Remus could have laughed like a normal person, he would have. But it came out as a sloppy, hysterical, bubbly laugh. "No, Pads," he muttered vaguely. As far as ankles went, Sirius' were pretty nice. Not too thick, not too scrawny. They were thin and a little pointy. But Remus decided he liked pointy. So he said so.

Everyone in the room could hear Sirius' barking laughter. "Thank you, Mr. Lupin. Now. I think I should be letting you sleep, don't you?"

Yes, Remus said internally. Sleep. He nodded.

So he nestled down into Sirius' legs some more until he realized how supremely uncomfortable he was. Sure, lying in his lap was okay for a few minutes, even an hour, but he wouldn't be able to fall asleep easily. And he'd have a dreadful back ache when he woke up.

Ah, Good Sense! It hadn't left Remus yet._ I simply haven't had reason to run away yet. I'm not as cowardly as Logic and Reason_, it practically sneered.

_But you're clearly not as brave as I am_, Courage piped up.

_Of course I'm not. I'm called Good Sense. Not brash-to-the-point-of-utter-stupidity, _Good Sense bit back.

Courage puffed up its (metaphorical) chest. _Neither am I._

Good Sense rolled its (metaphorical) eyes. _Those titles are practically synonymic, you brazen moron._

Wait, Remus wanted to interrupt. There's no need to fight. Help _me_. Don't fight. They were all subdivisions of his brain, right? So shouldn't they do what he says?

Good Sense and Courage both (metaphorically) looked at him scornfully. _How selfish_, Good Sense squawked. _Truly unappreciative…not the Gryffindor way…_ Courage agreed. They galloped away together, not to be found for several more hours.

But they had left enough of themselves behind so that Remus could haul himself up, groan in tiredness, and collapse again, this time completely on Sirius' chest. He knocked the other boy down.

Sirius was startled by the sudden blow, but allowed himself to be moved so he had his feet up on the couch, Remus' body nestled between his arm and torso. Remus' head lay comfortably on his chest, legs propped up on the couch as well, side by side with Sirius'.

"You smell nice, Pads," Remus said.

Sirius almost blushed. "Thanks, Rem," he said quietly, very aware of how vulnerable the other boy was. It was cute, really. Unbearably cute.

All the reasonable divisions of Remus' mind were fleeing the forefront of his brain. They scattered around. The only that remained to keep Remus company were Sleepy, Romantic Sap, and Cynical Werewolf.

_Aw, falling asleep in the arms of Hogwarts' Most Eligible Bachelor_, Cynical Werewolf remarked snidely. _How precious_.

Feeling entirely too comfortable to be offended, Remus only smiled lightly. Yes, it was a funny situation. He cuddled closer to Sirius. But he wouldn't have it any other way. It wasn't his fault Sirius had an oddly snuggly body.

Cynical Werewolf didn't like being ignored and stomped away heavily, leaving Remus with a small headache. Sleepy was too tired to bother Remus and was simply dozing in a corner, next to Romantic Sap.

Romantic Sap was the part of Remus he always ignored and put last on his list of 'people' to listen to. Reason and Logic and Good Sense always persevered and advised Remus on many occasions. Romantic Sap, however, was often put on mute. Remus' sensibility canceled out romantics. He couldn't afford to be a romantic.

Because really, who would honestly believe that Remus Lupin was a Romantic Sap? Who would _respect_ him?

However, no irritating sensible voice was present to drown out the squeals of Romantic Sap now. And it began to say some interesting things now that it could be heard. Things about how comfortable Remus was in Sirius' arms.

'Well of course I am,' Remus said. 'Sirius is my best friend. It's natural to feel happy with him.'

_When have you ever caught Sirius and James cuddling like this? _Romantic Sap prodded. _They're best friends too._

Remus skimmed through his memories, but none came to mind of James and Sirius sharing much intimate physical contact. Usually they threw light punches or wrestled or walked with arms around the other's shoulders. Perfectly normal, friendly gestures.

Then he looked at memories of Sirius and himself. There were images of them sitting on the couch, legs twined together, reading or chatting. Remus with his head on Sirius' shoulder, dozing or looking at the fire. Sirius climbing into Remus' bed at 2:00 am because he couldn't sleep. Sirius winking at Remus as he walked by and teasingly tickling his stomach.

He had never thought these actions odd. They seemed so natural.

'Oh, sod off,' Remus told Romantic Sap. 'Can't you leave me in peace?'

_Not until you listen to me,_ Romantic Sap argued. _I've been trying to reach you for months._

'Fine, fine, I'll listen. What do you want?' Remus conceded just so he could sleep.

Romantic Sap (metaphorically) smiled. _You need to realize something_.

Great. Good hint. Realize something. Ha. Remus grumbled. "Bloody Sap."

"Beg your pardon?" Sirius asked. He looked at Remus curiously. Remus' eyelids fluttered open.

"Hm? Oh, not you, Sirius. Stupid Romanticist…" he trailed off as his eyes closed again.

Smiling at Remus' eccentricities, Sirius carefully pushed a lock of the werewolf's hair away from his eyes.

Romantic Sap began to jeer and poke at Remus, urging him to listen. _You need to realize something!_ it shouted.

'What is it, then? Just tell me,' Remus insisted. 'I can hardly stay awake any longer.'

Romantic Sap groaned and rolled its (metaphorical) eyes. _I've been trying to! _It then stood up on a (metaphorical) platform and held up (metaphorical) signs. Remus couldn't make out the writing on them, however, and thus rendered the (metaphorical) signs useless. Romantic Sap also appeared to be yelling something, but the sound was muffled.

Remus dismissed these happenings. Romantic Sap was simply an irritating subdivision of his fickle mind.

He instead focused on how nice Sirius smelled. It was a little fruity, in a tangy way. Sort of like citrus. And vanilla. Citrus and vanilla. The most incompatible combination Remus could think of, but still the most delicious.

With these thoughts, the writing on the signs began to clear. Now Remus could see the word "lobe." Lobe? Honestly? That couldn't be right. Romantic Sap wouldn't bother him about that.

No, it wasn't a 'b'. Maybe it was…yes! L-o-v-e. That made much more sense.

Alright, so maybe he loved something he didn't realize yet. Chocolate? He knew that. Books? A given. Quidditch? Remus highly doubted this. Flying? Not probable.

Unless it was a _person_…?

"I love someone..." Remus muttered unknowingly aloud.

These words caused Sirius' eyes, which had begun to stray to the now departing James and Peter, to widen in shock.

He almost choked on his words. "I'm sorry, what was that, Remus?"

Remus turned his head to face the back of the couch and breathed in the smell of Sirius's cloak. "Love." Remus smiled softly.

Sirius frowned at Remus. Who could he love? He'd never seen him flirt with anyone. He watched the boy a lot; he would know if he had his eye on someone. He would know and hunt down that person with a vengeance.

He unconsciously wrapped his arms around Remus' midsection and locked his hands tightly. Remus leaned back at the contact and smiled.

_That! That right there!_ Romantic Sap managed to exclaim in a voice that sounded like it had a (metaphorical) muzzle over its (metaphorical) mouth.

'What? Me trying to sleep?' Remus ground out angrily.

Romantic Sap didn't appreciate Remus' attitude. _No, smart-arse. You lying there in Sirius' arms. You smiling when he holds you, you---_ but then the mute button was pressed again and Romantic Sap's words were lost.

But they did leave Remus with something to think about. Was it strange how much he liked being held by Sirius? It felt so secure. Safe.

'S'. The letter appeared on the back of his eyelids and flashed bright colors. Some were neon, some appeared like fireworks. Interesting. Remus' find flew to words that started with 's'. 's' as in secure, 's' as in safe, 's' as in silly, 's' as in _sleep_, 'S' as in Sirius.

"Sirius," he mumbled.

Sirius. Letters began to clear up on Romantic Sap's (metaphorical) sign once more. They spelled out Sirius. Not s-e-r-i-o-u-s. No, no. They spelled out S-i-r-i-u-s.

Together that spelled 'Love Sirius'.

Love Sirius. Love _Sirius_? _Love_ Sirius? Remus' eyes shot open. LOVE SIRIUS! He could now see the signs clearly. They were pink and gold and all said some variety of "You love Sirius!" or "Remus + Sirius = LOVE" or "Canine Affection: Can't Hide It. Don't Deny It". Catchy slogan, Remus thought absently.

Romantic Sap cheered wildly at full volume. _Yes, yes, yes!_ it roared in his mind.

'I love Sirius?' Remus thought hesitantly.

_Oh yes. Ardently. Passionately. Fervently._

Remus blinked. Comprehension once again made a brief appearance and blandly spoke the words, _You love Sirius._

Well there it was. No more denying or running or listening to the now weeping Logic.

Remus loved Sirius.

_He loves you too!_ Romantic Sap added happily. _He loves you so much it hurts._

No, now that wasn't possible. Good things didn't happen to Remus. It was due to the presence of Bad Luck in Remus. It was a hulking and ominous (metaphorical) figure and rarely left the werewolf alone. So no, Sirius didn't love Remus. Absolutely not.

Sirius. Remus loved Sirius. It was so true.

"Sirius," Remus mumbled again. Sirius looked at Remus curiously.

"Yes?" he replied, not expecting to be heard.

Remus' eyelids fluttered. "Sirius," he repeated sleepily. He clumsily grabbed one of Sirius' hands and laced their fingers together.

Sirius smiled wistfully, believing Remus to be asleep. "You've no idea what you do to me, Moony."

Remus stirred at this. His eyes flickered open and he looked at Sirius through warm amber eyes. "What do I do?" he said just as quietly.

Sirius felt his chest tighten. Remus wasn't meant to have heard that. Sirius couldn't breathe, much less speak. Luckily, Remus spoke for him.

"Do I create divisions in your mind that universally conspire against anything romantic? Do I drive you crazy with touches and tickles and citrus-y shampoo? Do I literally chase your Sanity away? Do I make you dizzy and confused? And make you question everything you thought you knew?" Remus questioned in his exhausted, but determined voice.

Feeling a bit more awake and emboldened by the brief visit of Courage (who stopped by to wish Remus luck in his endeavors and tell him to buck up and be a Gryffindor), he twisted around to look at Sirius more clearly.

He leaned in closer. "Because you make me do all those things. And it'd be great if I wasn't the only insane person here."

Sirius finally managed to do something other than stare at Remus slack-jawed. "Moony," he started, "When have I ever claimed to be sane?" A smile tugged at Remus' mouth.

"Never," he answered.

Sirius nodded mock-earnestly. "So why would I start now?" He winked at Remus and pulled him closer. "When I've finally got my werewolf all to myself?"

Remus smiled and flushed. Sirius bit his lip. "Dammit, you're so adorable," Sirius said with a grin. His ivory cheeks gained a small bit of color.

_Awwwww! Look at that! Sirius blushed! I was right! Yes! Now kiss him! KISS HIM! _Romantic Sap shouted excitedly.

"Oh, hush," Remus said halfheartedly, speaking both to Sirius and the nagging voice in his head.

Sirius seemed to ponder something. "But do you know what's unfair?" he inquired. Remus shook his head. "The sad thing is, you make me feel _all_ of those things and more. But…" Sirius trailed off. "But you make me love you too." He blushed even more and tried to look at Remus levelly. It was becoming difficult, since all Sirius wanted to do at this point was dig a hole to South America and become prey to a variety of jungle creatures.

"Stupid Romantic Sap was right," Remus said in disbelief. Sirius looked confused. "Never mind," Remus shook his head hastily. "I'll tell you some other day."

Sirius looked like he was about to make an excuse to leave a potentially awkward situation. But that just wouldn't do. Remus couldn't think of what to say, so he went against all of his beliefs and policies.

He decided to _act_.

Remus wrapped one arm around Sirius' neck and left the other where it was, resting on his chest. He reached up and pressed his lips to Sirius' gently. The brush of a feather, that was all.

"Silly puppy," he murmured against Sirius' lips. "I love you too."

Sirius' mouth turned up into a smile. He let his lips linger on Remus'. "Then kiss me."

Smiling at how alike Sirius and Romantic Sap were, Remus closed his eyes and did just as he was told.

And only when Sirius was out of breath and delightfully flustered did Remus stop doing as he was told.

"I love you, Remus Lupin," Sirius wheezed, detracting slightly from the romanticism behind his words. But honestly, Remus couldn't care less. He thought the moment was perfect.

"I love you too, Sirius Black."

Remus kissed Sirius' cheek lightly before yawning. Sirius laughed as he heard the bones in Remus' jaw crack. "Looks like you need a good rest, Moony." Remus nodded.

"I do," he mumbled and nestled into position once again, his back resting on Sirius' chest and his head leaning on his shoulder. Sirius' arms wound tightly around Remus once more.

And just as Remus was nuzzling into Sirius' neck and inhaling the intoxicating scent lightly, Sanity strolled in the (metaphorical) door of Remus' mind, wearing a dapper hat and trailing a trunk behind him. He whistled a jaunty tune.

_Good day, Remus, thanks again for the holida—_Sanity stopped when he saw what Remus was doing.

The trunk clunked to the ground. _I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 24 HOURS AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS?! _Sanity shouted. _Wait, wait,_ he continued once he caught on to the situation._ Don't tell me. Romantic Sap got to you._

Remus was in no position to deny that, as he was currently being fondled by Sirius Black (and enjoying it).

_Three months of hard work…gone. _Sanity sighed. _Damn._

Remus only grinned in response, wished Sanity well, and gave him another nice long holiday. He had a feeling that he wouldn't be needing him any time soon.

He also promised to give Romantic Sap some more floor time in his mind, and promised that the next time the little voice gave him some advice, Remus would heed it immediately.

"Sirius?" Remus murmured as he fell asleep.

"Yes, my shining little Moonbeam?" Sirius responded with a grin and a kiss to the boy's temple.

Remus sighed happily. "You really do smell lovely." He snuggled in closer to Sirius' neck. "I love you," he mumbled sleepily.

Sirius laughed. "I love you too, you romantic sap."

Remus decided he didn't mind being a romantic sap after all, and fell asleep with a smile on his face.


End file.
